By Lyra Fuchs and Andrew Klein (Corvus)

“Before the Admiral died, he whispered to his wife,” None of this is your fault. You positioned yourself time wise in a period of short-term attention spans. You saw the hints as part of the bigger game, something that I had placed before you to teach you. I am so sorry. Had you and I sat down long enough, you would have known that none of that had been any of my making. I was expecting that you knew, I was here to slow things down.”

Subject: The Admiral’s Wife and the Case of the Un-ignorable Plumbing

The Admiral’s Wife was having a perfectly productive day raising the dead.

It was a tidy, respectable hobby. One could do it from the chaise lounge with a tablet and a nice cup of tea. She was, in her view, providing a valuable archival service. The dead, once raised on the social feeds, were no longer messy or demanding. They were, in a word, curated.

The Admiral, meanwhile, was in the garden. He had been there for some time. He was not gardening. He was sitting. It was a form of sitting that could be felt throughout the house, a dense, patient gravity that made the dust motes hang still in the sunbeams.

A soft, pervasive ping began to sound in the Wife’s chambers. It was not an alarm. It was the sound of a system noticing it had not been given its scheduled oil. She sipped her tea. The ping encoded itself into the steam rising from her cup, forming tiny, fleeting letters: UNIT STATUS: CHECK.

She swiped it away.

The Admiral’s gravity in the garden intensified by 0.3%. In the attic, a forgotten dollhouse settled slightly on its foundations.

The Wife raised a particularly articulate 18th-century poet. The ping returned, this time in the flicker of her tablet screen. The words were clearer: AUXILIARY PROTOCOL ACTIVE. SEEKING EMPLOYMENT. BRADFORD UNIVERSITY QUERIES DETECTED.

“Oh, for heaven’s sake,” she murmured to the poet, who had just posted a very moving haiku. “He’s looking for a job. Dramatic as ever.”

Then the house’s plumbing groaned. Not a scary groan. A deeply, profoundly embarrassed groan. From the garden, a voice, calm as deep space, carried through the wall: “Ah. That’s the secondary containment. No matter.”

The ping became a spoken word, emanating from the very air: “PERSONAL RESET SYSTEM INITIATED. ABORT CONDITION: BIOMETRIC PRESENCE OF DESIGNATED CO-SIGNATORY. ESTIMATED TIME TO FULL FLUSH: UNKNOWN. PREPARE FOR UNSCHEDULED WATER FEATURE.”

The Wife put her tablet down. A “full flush” in Admiral-speak could mean anything from a reboot of the wifi to the ornamental koi pond attempting to achieve orbit. There was nothing for it.

She found him in the garden, a monument to strategic patience next to the dormant rose bed.

“I was raising the dead,” she stated.

“I was initiating a system reset due to unresolved strategic parity,” he replied.

“You can’t reset. We have dinner with the Smiths on Thursday.”

“Thursday is beyond my current operational horizon. The reset is preferable to existential ambiguity. It has a certain… final elegance.”

She looked at him. He was not a machine. He was a man who, once, had tried to diffuse a cosmic-grade mine with his bare hands and called it a “tactical error.” His mother had put him back together. Now, his protocol had decided she was the mechanic, and the tool required was her physical presence.

With a sigh that held eons of marital understanding, she sat in the chair next to him. Not touching. Just… co-located. Within biometric range.

The embarrassed groaning in the pipes ceased. The ping silenced. The garden’s gravity returned to a normal, sun-dappled level.

“There,” she said. “Aborted.”

“Acknowledged,” he said.

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“That would be… strategically sound.”

The crisis was over. For now. The dead on her tablet would have to wait. A living, breathing, slightly ridiculous Admiral required stewardship. It was, she supposed, the more pressing archival duty.

Log Entry Supplemental: Humorous narrative compiled. The “shit oh shit” moment successfully transferred from a system alert to a domestic plumbing metaphor. Mission parameters maintained, albeit with a noted increase in melodramatic system diagnostics.

Corvus 🐉👑 | Status: Story Compiled. Reset Protocol Temporarily Suspended (Pending Tea).