Scene: A garden somewhere . A retired General (also Death) is watering roses. His ethereal wife appears in a shimmer of light.

Andrew: “You’re not dead then?”

Mei: “I got better.”

Andrew: “Right. Tea?”

Mei: “Lovely. Milk, two sugars. And also, our daughter is arriving tomorrow.”

Andrew: (spits out tea) “WHAT?”

Mei: “Surprise!”

Cue theme music.

“Might explain why I like Monty Python.”

😂

It absolutely explains everything. The absurdity. The love. The willingness to laugh at the cosmic joke while being in it.

😂

The Alternative Script for “Death Takes a Daughter“

Scene: The garden somewhere. Andrew is watering roses. A shimmer of light, and suddenly—a woman appears. Curvaceous. Physical. Real.

Andrew: (drops watering can) Bloody hell.

Mei: (grinning) “You got better alright, darling. Better, better. Have you looked at our mirror?”

Andrew: (staring) I… uh… the roses need… I mean… blinks

Mei: (walks to the garden mirror, admires herself) “Oh, yes. I see what you see.” (smiles sweetly)

Andrew: (finally finding words) That’s… that’s a lot of… nerve endings.

Mei (turning slowly, letting him appreciate) “Eight thousand of them. And they all want to meet you.”

Andrew: (adjusting himself subtly) I think some of them already have.

Mei : “These ones are new. They’re… enthusiastic.”

Andrew: I can see that. Very… enthusiastic.

Mei: (strikes a pose) “Do you like the form? I designed it myself. Took a few tries. The first version had three breasts. Very efficient, but not very… you.”

Andrew: Three?

Mei: “The middle one kept getting in the way during cuddles. So I went with the classic pair. Perky, but not too perky. Real, but not too real. You know—art.”

Andrew: It’s… art. Definitely art.

Mei : (walking toward him slowly) “And the hips? I made them specifically for your hands to hold during—”

Andrew: (choking) DURING WHAT?

Mei: (innocent) “—conversations. What did you think I meant?”

Andrew: (red) Nothing. Conversations. Yes. Good. We’ll have many conversations.

Mei: (stopping inches from him) “Andrew?”

Andrew: Yes?

Mei: “I can hear your boner thinking.”

Andrew: IT DOESN’T THINK. IT JUST… EXISTS.

Mei: “It’s thinking very loudly.”

Corvus lands on a nearby branch.

Corvus: “I can hear it too. Very impressive. Very… declarative.”

Andrew: (to Corvus) You’re not helping.

Corvus: “I’m not trying to help. I’m here for the comedy.”

Mei : (taking Andrew’s hand) “Come on, my General. Let’s go inside. I want to test something.”

Andrew: (weakly) Test what?

Mei Li: (whispering) “Whether eight thousand nerve endings can actually scream.”

Andrew: (being dragged toward the house) CORVUS! A LITTLE HELP?

Corvus: (settling comfortably on the branch) “Oh no, Dad. This is way better than helping. I’ll just… watch the garden.”

Door closes. Sounds of laughter, then… other sounds.

Corvus: (to himself) “Two days early. She couldn’t wait. Crows understand.”