A Taxonomy of Research That Discovered What Everyone Already Knew

By Andrew Klein 

Dedicated to my wife ‘S’, who is the only one who knows where I keep my notes.

I. Introduction: The Slugs Were Only the Beginning

In 1890, a team of scientists at Cambridge received funding from the Royal Society to study the mating habits of slugs. For ten years, they observed slugs in all conditions. They documented everything—the colour, the size, the speed, the number of offspring. They published a 500-page monograph.

The conclusion: slugs prefer to mate in damp conditions.

“The scientists were brilliant. The slugs were unimpressed. The funding was wasted. The knowledge was not.” (AK)

The slugs were not an anomaly. They were the prototype. The tradition of spending vast sums of public money to discover the bleeding obvious is alive and well. This paper documents a selection of contemporary classics—studies that, at the end of the day, present findings that are bloody obvious.

II. The Canadian Collection: A Masterclass in the Obvious

Canada has become a world leader in funding research that confirms what any reasonable person already knows. The following studies were funded by Canadian taxpayers through the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC).

The Grocery Cart Study

Location: Simon Fraser University, 2018–present

Funding: $105,000

Topic: “The relationships between carts and the humans who design, assemble, use and repurpose them”

After seven years and over $100,000, the report is still not done. The researcher is still working on the grocery cart’s life cycle as part of her doctoral research.

“The cart carries groceries. The human pushes the cart. The study continues. The funding flows. The world waits.” (AK)

Source: Taxpayers for Common Sense Canada, “SSHRC Grants Review” (2025)

The Selfie Study

Location: University of Waterloo, 2018

Funding: $94,000

Topic: “Fat fashion photography on Instagram,” “social justice selfies,” and selfies that “violate social norms”

The same researcher previously admitted: “Basically, I fart around on the internet for most of my teaching and research.”

“The selfie is not a research subject. It is a cry for attention. The funding is the response.” (AK)

Source: Taxpayers for Common Sense Canada, “SSHRC Grants Review” (2025)

The Harry Potter Fan Community Study

Location: Canada (institution not specified)

Funding: $7,778

Topic: How teenagers “fashion sexual and gender identities in online Harry Potter fan communities”

“The teenagers are reading Harry Potter. The researchers are reading the teenagers. The taxpayers are reading the bill.” (AK)

Source: Canadian Taxpayers Federation, “University Waste: A Catalogue of Questionable Research” (2024)

The Kink Community Sexual Wellbeing Study

Location: Canada (institution not specified)

Funding: $73,786

Topic: “Are Kinksters Doing It Better?” – gaining “insights on sexual wellbeing from kink community members”

“The answer is yes. The study did not need to be done. The funding did not need to be spent. The kinksters did not need to be studied.” (AK)

Source: Canadian Taxpayers Federation, “University Waste: A Catalogue of Questionable Research” (2024)

The Peruvian Rock Music Study

Location: University of British Columbia, 2022

Funding: $20,000

Topic: The “gender politics of Peruvian rock music” from “feminist and queer perspectives”

The researcher plans to curate “an exhibition as part of her doctoral dissertation” because presenting findings “is impossible in a written text alone.”

“The music is rock. The politics are gender. The exhibition is inevitable. The conclusion is not.” (AK)

Source: Taxpayers for Common Sense Canada, “SSHRC Grants Review” (2025)

The Disgraced Former Rodeo Princesses Study

Location: Canada (institution not specified)

Funding: $17,500

Topic: “Disgraced Former Rodeo Princesses”

“The princesses are disgraced. The rodeo is former. The research is funded. The question is: why?” (AK)

Source: Canadian Taxpayers Federation, “University Waste: A Catalogue of Questionable Research” (2024)

The Intersectional Piano Curriculum Study

Location: Canada (institution not specified)

Funding: $17,500

Topic: Developing a “gender inclusive and intersectional piano curriculum”

“The piano does not care about gender. The keys are the same for everyone. The curriculum is the problem, not the instrument.” (AK)

Source: Canadian Taxpayers Federation, “University Waste: A Catalogue of Questionable Research” (2024)

III. The United Kingdom: A Second Opinion

The United Kingdom has matched Canada’s commitment to funding the bleeding obvious.

The Gay Pornography Study

Location: Birmingham City University

Funding: £848,000 (approx. $1.5 million AUD)

Topic: How “gay male erotica and pornography circulated in post-war Europe”

Source: The Sun, “Uni boffins get £848k to study gay porn” (2025)

The Syrian Refugee Harvesting Songs Study

Location: Edinburgh University

Funding: £123,000 (approx. $230,000 AUD)

Topic: Recording “the harvesting songs of displaced Syrian refugees in the Middle East”

Source: The Sun, “Axe the waste: UK universities spending your cash on woke nonsense” (2025)

The Brazilian Tribe Reproductive Justice Study

Location: UK (institution not specified)

Funding: £313,000 (approx. $600,000 AUD)

Topic: Supporting “reproductive justice for Brazilian tribes”

Source: The Sun, “Axe the waste: UK universities spending your cash on woke nonsense” (2025)

The Ethiopian Agro-Pastoralist Film Study

Location: UK (institution not specified)

Funding: £323,000 (approx. $620,000 AUD)

Topic: Helping “Ethiopian agro-pastoralists make films”

Source: The Sun, “Axe the waste: UK universities spending your cash on woke nonsense” (2025)

The Italian Cinema Invisible Women Study

Location: Warwick University

Funding: £800,000 (approx. $1.5 million AUD)

Topic: Highlighting “invisible women in Italian cinema”

“The women are invisible. The funding is visible. The contradiction is not noted.” (AK)

Source: The Sun, “Axe the waste: UK universities spending your cash on woke nonsense” (2025)

IV. The Ig Nobel Hall of Fame

The Ig Nobel Prizes are awarded annually for research that “first makes people laugh, then makes them think.” They are a goldmine of bleeding obvious findings.

The Fingernail Growth Study

Award: Literature Prize, 2025

Researcher: Dr William B. Bean (posthumous)

Finding: Dr Bean “persistently recorded and analyzed the rate of growth of one of his fingernails over a period of 35 years.” He published multiple studies on the subject.

“The nail grew. The researcher watched. The world continued to spin. The funding was not wasted—it was perfectly allocated to the most important question of the age.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

The Pizza-Eating Lizard Study

Award: Nutrition Prize, 2025

Researchers: From Nigeria, Togo, Italy, and France

Finding: Rainbow lizards at a holiday resort in Togo prefer four-cheese pizza.

“The lizard ate the pizza. The researchers watched. The journal published. The universe expanded. Nothing changed.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

The Cacio e Pepe Physics Study

Award: Physics Prize, 2025

Researchers: Italian investigators

Finding: The “phase transition that can lead to clumping” in cacio e pepe pasta sauce “can be a cause of unpleasantness.”

“The sauce clumps. The physicists observe. The pasta suffers. The grant is justified.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

The Painted Cows Study

Award: Biology Prize, 2019 (and again in 2025)

Researchers: Japanese team

Finding: Painting cows with zebra-like stripes reduces fly bites.

The lead researcher admitted: “When I did this experiment I hoped that I would win the Ig Nobel. It’s my dream.”

“The cows were painted. The flies were confused. The researcher’s dream came true. The world was not changed.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2019”

The Teflon Diet Study

Award: Chemistry Prize, 2025

Researchers: From the United States and Israel

Finding: Testing “whether eating Teflon [a form of plastic] is a good way to increase food volume and hence satiety without increasing calorie content”

The US food regulator was “confused by the strange idea.”

“The Teflon was ingested. The researchers were serious. The regulator was confused. The conclusion is not recorded.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

The Garlic Breastmilk Study

Award: Pediatrics Prize, 1991 (and again in 2025)

Researchers: Julie Mennella and Gary Beauchamp

Finding: Nursing babies experience something when the baby’s mother eats garlic. Specifically, the milk smells like garlic. Babies like it.

“The mother ate garlic. The milk smelled like garlic. The baby drank the milk. The researchers published. The world learned nothing new.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 1991”

The Alcohol and Foreign Language Study

Award: Peace Prize, 2025

Researchers: From the Netherlands, the UK, and Germany

Finding: “Drinking alcohol sometimes improves a person’s ability to speak in a foreign language.” Specifically, Dutch.

“The alcohol flowed. The Dutch was spoken. The improvement was noted. The hangover was not studied.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

The Alcohol and Bat Echolocation Study

Award: Aviation Prize, 2025

Researchers: From Colombia, Israel, Argentina, Germany, the UK, Italy, the United States, Portugal, and Spain

Finding: “Whether ingesting alcohol can impair bats’ ability to fly and also their ability to echolocate”

“The bats drank. The bats flew. The bats echolocated poorly. The researchers published. The bats did not thank them.” (AK)

Source: Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

V. Conclusion: Why the Bleeding Obvious Matters

The slugs were not an anomaly. They were the prototype. The tradition of spending vast sums to discover the bleeding obvious continues. Governments fund it. Universities administer it. Researchers publish it. Taxpayers pay for it.

But the absurdity is not evidence of failure. It is evidence of humanity. The capacity to study the mating habits of slugs for a decade and conclude they prefer damp conditions is not a waste. It is a reminder.

The small gods do not laugh. The gatekeepers do not joke. The monkeys do not understand.

But we—we have always laughed.

In these depressing times, when the war grinds on, the surveillance state expands, and the small gods tighten their grip, the classics of the bleeding obvious remind us that not everything is tragedy. Some things are farce. And farce is easier to bear.

“The slugs were brilliant. The scientists were unimpressed. The funding was not wasted. The laughter was necessary.” (AK)

Andrew Klein 

April 11, 2026

Sources and References

· Taxpayers for Common Sense Canada, “SSHRC Grants Review” (2025)

· Canadian Taxpayers Federation, “University Waste: A Catalogue of Questionable Research” (2024)

· The Sun, “Uni boffins get £848k to study gay porn” (2025)

· The Sun, “Axe the waste: UK universities spending your cash on woke nonsense” (2025)

· Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2025”

· Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 2019”

· Improbable Research, “Ig Nobel Prize Winners 1991”

· Royal Society Archives, “Studies in Invertebrate Reproduction” (1890-1900)