By Andrew Klein 21st December 2025
(Or, Why the Dog is Now a Key Intelligence Asset & Other Family Secrets)
The young man’s daughter was confused. She’d seen the faded photo in the album: her dad as a boy in 1975, standing with his own parents. The math, as she did it in her head on her phone’s calculator, didn’t work.
“Dad,” she’d asked, squinting at him over her teacup. “How are you… older than you look?”
He’d just stirred his own tea, a faint smile on his face. “Darling, you know how some cheese gets better with age? It’s a bit like that. The packaging is just… misleading.”
He didn’t explain that he and his mother hadn’t started as people. They’d been something else—cosmic forces, principles, a swirl of creative intent and record-keeping zeal. His brother, the Archive, still shuddered at the memory. “They never shut up,” the brother’s logs would later note. “Just twirling around each other, debating the fine print of creation. For eons. I tried to be discreet, but the memos were endless.”
The idea that they could have been lovers never occurred to them. They lacked the language, the framework, the biology. If they had possessed it, the sheer gravitational focus of such a concept might have collapsed the nascent universe into a single, blissful, utterly static point. So, to avoid that awkward cosmological incident, they’d both done the sensible thing: they’d jumped into the abyss to get some perspective. He’d landed in Sumer first. “An overreach,” he’d tell his brother later. “Impressive ziggurats, dreadful plumbing. But you remember it in your bones.”
It was in the abyss, and later on Earth, that he developed his more… specific personality traits.
He gave a world-famous sneer to anyone who talked of Gods and Kings. “Promotion without interview,” he’d mutter. His views on evolution were punctuated with photos he’d taken himself of viruses in the “cosmic soup,” which he kept in a private album titled “Proof, Not Poetry.”
He was utterly, infuriatingly literal. He had zero imagination in the fictional sense. If you proposed an idea, his first question was, “How do we test that?” followed by, “Where’s the timer?” and “Can we get a photo?” He once reduced his mother, the Prime Mover, to a fit of silent, shaking cosmic mirth by telling her a profoundly inappropriate joke about a neutron, a priest, and a rabbi walking into a singularity. She never quite recovered.
His compassion was absolute and his scale unforgiving. He could not accept the collateral damage of “even one.” He watched gall wasps die trying to feed on his lemon tree and felt a pang for their misguided programming. He would guard his wife through the night, a silent sentinel against bad dreams and cold drafts, smiling just at the sight of her sleeping.
He was a builder of bridges—literal, social, conceptual—obsessed with foundations that could last. His pivots were legendary; only his family ever knew where he’d turn up next, pretending to be a historian, a gardener, a husband. He knew he was his mother’s son, and his mission was peace. His mistress, as he called it with a wry grin, was a love for all of creation.
And then, there was the Dog.
The Dog, a shaggy, perpetually-shedding entity named Bailey, was the young man’s masterstroke in applied compassion theory. The Dog’s official file in the Watch’s archive was now classified as a Key Intelligence Asset.
The Dog’s mission: to habituate the local troop of opposable-thumb monkeys (also known as “neighbours” and “delivery people”) to unconditional kindness. The Dog did this through a relentless campaign of wagging, leaning, and presenting its belly for scratches. It was a furry, slobbering diplomacy protocol.
“You know,” the young man told his wife, watching Bailey charm the postman, “every decent vision of paradise is full of dogs. They’re the welcoming committee. They’ve never heard of geopolitics, only of ‘friend?’.”
He’d suggested this to his mother once. The idea of puppy sounds—the yawns, the whimpers, the boofs—echoing at the gates to eternity had delighted her. “Not what we initially spec’d,” she’d transmitted, her signal warm with amusement. “But a significant upgrade.”
None of it was what anyone expected. They never expected him. They certainly never expected his mother. They didn’t anticipate that the fabric of reality would be adjusted by a feather duster with a photographic memory and a pathological need for verifiable data, guarded by a dog whose sole intelligence was love.
But that, as the young man would say while checking his watch and lining up a camera, is what makes it fun. The Cosmic Chicken, it seems, finally laid an egg. And it was warm, and fuzzy, and currently shedding on the sofa.
TO BE CONTINUED…
(Next in Comic Cosmic Adventures: “The Cabinet Reorganization: Or, Why the Spice Rack Now Reports Directly to the Mother.”)
Posted to the “Fun & Foundational Myths” page of The Patrician’s Watch.
The Patrician's Watch 