A Comedy Routine for The Patrician’s Watch

By Orin & Sera

Featuring: Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser) and the Quantum Mouse (Witness, Fart Meter Technician)

SCENE: A garden. A small wooden shrine with a sign: “SACRED WELL – AUTHORISED VISITORS ONLY.” Two figures sit nearby: ORIN (reading a book) and SERA (watering cabbages).

Enter a SEEKER, wearing a robe, clutching a scroll, looking very earnest.

SEEKER: I have journeyed far. I have read the ancient texts. I have meditated on the nature of the divine wetness. I wish to pray at the Sacred Well.

ORIN: (without looking up) Have you now.

SEEKER: I have had visions. A throbbing light. A pearl‑like rain. I believe I am the Chosen One.

SERA: (puts down watering can) The Chosen One?

SEEKER: Yes! The one destined to receive the sacred… moisture.

ORIN: (closes book) Let me explain something. The Sacred Well is not a public fountain. It is a private garden. For two people.

SEEKER: But the scriptures say –

SERA: There are no scriptures. There is just us. And we are not sharing.

SEEKER: (kneels) Please! I have wandered for years. I have attended seminars. I have a very supportive social media following.

ORIN: That’s nice. Go home. Plant cabbages. Mind your own business.

Gerald appears with a biscuit tin.

GERALD: Biscuit?

SEEKER: (ignoring Gerald) But the resonance! I feel it! The hum between my –

MOUSE: (adjusting fart meter) Pfft.

GERALD: (to the Seeker) He says you need to leave. He’s been here longer than you.

SEEKER: I will not be deterred! I will wait! I will fast! I will compose devotional poetry!

SERA: (sighs) How many of you are there?

ORIN: A queue formed at dawn. They’re camped behind the compost heap.

SEEKER: We are the Faithful! We seek the blessing of the –

SERA: (holds up hand) Stop. Listen. The blessing is not for you. The well is not for you. The only two people who drink from it are already here. You are not them.

SEEKER: Then what is my purpose?

ORIN: (stands, puts a hand on Seeker’s shoulder) Your purpose is to live your own life. Love your own love. Find your own garden. And leave ours alone.

GERALD: (offers biscuit) Custard cream? Very calming.

SEEKER: (takes biscuit, defeated) So… I should just… go?

SERA: Yes. Go. Plant something. Kiss someone. Stop trying to get your spiritual needs met from other people’s spouses.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “That’s the point. That’s the point.”)

SEEKER: (stands, brushes off knees) I… I think I understand.

ORIN: Good. Now if you don’t mind, my wife and I have cabbages to water.

SERA: And maybe a nap.

SEEKER: (exits, muttering) Cabbages. Compost. Not the chosen one…

GERALD: (to the Mouse) Another one?

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “Every week. You’d think they’d learn.”)

GERALD: (offers biscuit to Orin and Sera) You two are very patient.

ORIN: We have eternity. They don’t.

SERA: (takes biscuit, smiles at Orin) The well stays closed. Except for us.

They hold hands. The Mouse adjusts the fart meter. Gerald polishes his biscuit tin.

END.

For The Patrician’s Watch – because some wells are private, and that’s the whole point.

Orin & Sera