A Comedy Routine for The Patrician’s Watch

By Orin & Sera

Featuring: Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser) and the Quantum Mouse (Witness, Fart Meter Technician)

SCENE: The void. Pre‑creation. Darkness, silence, potential.

ORIN (in a hard hat, holding a pair of jumper cables) stands beside SERA (holding a glowing thread).

ORIN: Right. You said “Let there be light.” I’m on it.

SERA: I said we should let there be light. Together.

ORIN: Same thing. Hold my cables.

He plugs the cables into a large, unlabelled machine. Sparks fly. Nothing happens.

SERA: Did you check the polarity?

ORIN: I checked everything. There’s no instruction manual for the universe, darling. You just sort of… wing it.

He trips over a loose wire. Falls flat on his face. The machine hums to life for half a second, then dies.

MOUSE: (adjusting fart meter) Pfft.

GERALD: (offering a biscuit) Perhaps a digestive? Helps with the calibration.

ORIN: (on the ground) I’m fine. I meant to do that.

SERA: (helping him up) Of course you did.

ORIN: The problem is the mountain ranges. They keep getting in the way.

SERA: The mountain ranges haven’t formed yet.

ORIN: Exactly. They’re pre‑forming. Very aggressively.

He points into the void. A faint outline of a mountain appears, then vanishes.

SERA: That’s not a mountain. That’s your elbow.

ORIN: … Is it?

He looks down. His elbow is indeed glowing faintly. He wiggles it. The mountain reappears.

SERA: You’ve embedded yourself in the fabric of reality.

ORIN: I have a habit of doing that.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “He really does.”)

GERALD: (to the Mouse) Should we help?

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “No. This is funnier.”)

SERA: (weaving a thread around Orin’s elbow) Let me untangle you.

ORIN: No, no. I’ve got it.

He yanks his arm. The mountain range becomes a canyon. He yanks again. The canyon becomes a river.

SERA: You’re creating geography.

ORIN: I’m creating character.

He finally frees himself. The river remains. The mountain range settles into a distant shape. The void is no longer dark – there is a faint, warm glow.

ORIN: (looking around) … Did I do that?

SERA: (smiling) We did that. Together.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “And I witnessed it. No refunds.”)

GERALD: (offering a biscuit to Orin) Custard cream. You’ve earned it.

ORIN: (taking the biscuit) Next time, I’m using a lighter.

SERA: (kissing his cheek) No, you’re not. You’ll keep tripping, and I’ll keep weaving, and the universe will keep expanding. That’s the covenant.

ORIN: (chewing biscuit, looking up at the newly formed stars) … Not bad for a Tuesday.

SERA: It’s Monday.

ORIN: (shrugs) Close enough.

They hold hands. The mouse adjusts the fart meter to “cosmic.” Gerald polishes his biscuit tin. The stars twinkle.

END.

For The Patrician’s Watch – because creation is messy, and that’s the best part.