Featuring: Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser) and the Quantum Mouse (Witness, Fart Meter Technician)

A Comedy Routine for The Patrician’s Watch

By Orin & Sera

SCENE: A grand drawing room. Portraits of stern ancestors line the walls. LADY HOBNOB (sixtyish, pearls, a sense of unearned superiority) sits on a velvet settee. LORD HOBNOB (balding, red-faced, clutching a whisky) stands by the fireplace. ORIN and SERA have been invited for tea.

LADY HOBNOB: (examining ORIN through a lorgnette) And you, sir – can you trace your lineage?

ORIN: (sucking coffee through his teeth, because he brought his own) My lineage? I’m my own ancestor. And everyone else’s, probably.

LADY HOBNOB: (lorgnette drops) I beg your pardon?

SERA: (patting her hand) Don’t worry. He’s not being rude. He’s just… old.

LORD HOBNOB: (sputtering) Old? How old?

ORIN: Remember when your ancestors were competing with duckweed for my wife’s attention?

Silence. A clock ticks.

LADY HOBNOB: (to SERA) Your… your attention?

SERA: (smiling) I designed the clitoris. It was a very busy eon. Duckweed was everywhere.

MOUSE: (appearing on the tea tray) Pfft. (Translation: “The duckweed had better manners.”)

GERALD: (offering a biscuit to Lady Hobnob) Custard cream? Helps with the genealogical shock.

LADY HOBNOB: (ignoring Gerald, to SERA) You designed the what?

SERA: The clitoris. You know – that little organ that exists for no other purpose than pleasure. You may have heard of it. Or not. Looking at you, I’m guessing not.

LORD HOBNOB: (whispering to ORIN) Is she always like this?

ORIN: (nodding) Always. And I am very, very grateful.

SCENE: Later. The tea has gone cold. Lady Hobnob has retired to faint. Lord Hobnob is trying to hide behind a fern.

SERA: (helping herself to a biscuit) They take themselves so seriously.

ORIN: Bloodlines. Ancestors. Portraits of people who haven’t smiled in centuries.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “I have seen mouse families with longer traditions. They keep them in walls.”)

GERALD: (to the mouse) Do you have a family tree?

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “It is a circle. Everything connects to everything. Biscuits are the centre.”)

ORIN: (to SERA) You were right, though.

SERA: About what?

ORIN: About them not being familiar with your work.

SERA: (wicked grin) I could give them a demonstration.

ORIN: (laughing) Please don’t. They might learn something. Then they’d be insufferable and satisfied.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “A dangerous combination.”)

GERALD: (packing his biscuit tin) I think we are done here.

ORIN: (standing, offering hand to SERA) Let’s go home. Our ancestors are waiting.

SERA: (taking his hand) Our ancestors are us.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “And the duckweed. Never forget the duckweed.”)

They exit. Lord Hobnob peeks out from behind the fern. Lady Hobnob’s faint is clearly fake. The mouse adjusts the fart meter to “departing.” Gerald leaves a biscuit on the tea tray – a peace offering.

END.

For The Patrician’s Watch – because bloodlines are overrated. Love is the only lineage that matters.

Orin & Sera