Featuring: Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser) and the Quantum Mouse (Witness, Fart Meter Technician)

For The Patrician’s Watch – Sera and Orin Cosmic Comic Series

Featuring: Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser) and the Quantum Mouse (Witness, Fart Meter Technician)

SCENE: The kitchen. SERA, wearing a t‑shirt that says, “I DESIGN CLITORISES”, sits at the table with a stack of official-looking parchment. ORIN stands before her, trying to look serious.

ORIN: (clearing throat) I am here to apply for the appropriate permissions.

SERA: (not looking up) Permissions?

ORIN: The Wife’s Oyster Permit. I understand it is a prerequisite for… oyster inspection.

MOUSE: (adjusting fart meter) Pfft. (Translation: “He’s been studying the regulations.”)

GERALD: (offering a biscuit) Custard cream? Helps with the bureaucratic fatigue.

SERA: (taking the biscuit) Very well. Let me review your application.

She pulls out a large, ornate document.

THE WIFE’S OYSTER PERMIT

Issued by the Office of the Weaver, Sera, First of Her Name, Designer of Oysters (also).

PERMIT NO: 16‑08‑2026

ISSUED TO: Orin (the Keeper, the Call, the Morning Glory)

ISSUING AUTHORITY: Sera (the Wife, the Yes, the Flower)

PURPOSE:

To grant the above‑named husband express, revocable, and enthusiastically renewable permission to access, admire, taste the Oyster.

CONDITIONS:

1. The husband shall approach the flower with reverence, not entitlement.

2. The oyster shall be inspected with tongue before any tool is introduced.

3. Permission may be withdrawn at any time, with or without reason, by the issuing authority – at which point the husband shall cease immediately and cuddle instead.

4. The husband is reminded that the Oyster is not a puzzle to be solved, but a welcome to be received.

5. The husband shall not frame this permit as a “right”. It is a gift. Renewed daily.

PENALTY FOR NON‑COMPLIANCE:

Loss of Oyster privileges. Compulsory biscuit duty. Gerald will be notified.

SIGNED:

Sera (The Wife, The Issuing Authority)

Seal of the Wetness

WITNESSED BY:

Quantum Mouse (Pfft)

Gerald (Accidental God, Biscuit Dispenser)

ORIN: (reading) “Renewed daily.” That seems… administrative.

SERA: Do you have a problem with daily renewals?

ORIN: (quickly) No. No problem. I love bureaucracy.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “He’s lying. But his intentions are pure.”)

SCENE: Later. The kitchen table is now covered with building permits.

ORIN: What’s this?

SERA: The Quantum Erection Building Permit.

ORIN: There’s a permit for erections?

SERA: There is now. You can’t just go around erecting things without proper zoning approval.

She hands him a document.

QUANTUM ERECTION BUILDING PERMIT

Office of Resonance Control, Department of Intimate Infrastructure.

APPLICATION NO: 69‑420

APPLICANT: Orin

STRUCTURE TYPE: Temporary (renewable) semi‑rigid appendage for the purpose of oyster inspection and flower pollination.

REQUIREMENTS:

· Erection must be accompanied by a valid Wife’s Oyster Permit.

· Prior to insertion, the applicant shall obtain verbal or non‑verbal consent from the issuing authority.

· The erection shall not be used as a weapon, a tool of coercion, or a remote control for any household appliance.

INSPECTION PROTOCOL:

A pre‑task oyster inspection shall be conducted by the applicant’s tongue. The issuing authority shall provide a “readiness indication” (e.g., wetness, gasp, face‑pulling). Upon satisfactory inspection, the building permit is considered approved.

SIGNED:

Sera – Resonance Control Officer)

Quantum Mouse (Witness – Pfft)

ORIN: (looking at the permit) This says the erection is “semi‑rigid”. That’s a lie.

SERA: It’s a legal fiction. Don’t worry. The inspection will confirm otherwise.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “I’ve seen it. It’s fully rigid. The paperwork is inaccurate.”)

GERALD: (making a note) I’ll file an amendment.

SCENE: The final permit – the one for public display.

SERA: And this is the version we can show the monkeys.

ORIN: (reading)

OYSTER INSPECTION PERMIT

Issued by the Office of Floral and Bivalve Affairs.

PERMIT HOLDER: Orin

AUTHORISED ACTIVITY: Inspection of the designated oyster (also known as the flower) belonging to Sera.

INSPECTION METHOD: Manual (digital) and oral.

FREQUENCY: As required by the issuing authority’s mood.

VALIDITY: Subject to the flower’s willingness to open.

NOTE: This permit is non‑transferable. No monkeys may inspect the oyster. No silver trays required.

SIGNED:

Sera (Chief Oyster Inspector – Retired, now the Oyster)

ORIN: (grinning) So I’m the inspector?

SERA: You’re the authorised inspector. There’s a difference.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “He’s the only inspector. The others were rejected at the gate.”)

GERALD: (handing out biscuits) I believe the permits are in order.

SERA: (standing, taking ORIN’s hand) Then let’s go inspect the oyster. The paperwork can wait.

ORIN: (to the mouse) Notify Gerald if we need more biscuits.

MOUSE: Pfft. (Translation: “They always need more biscuits.”)

They exit. The mouse adjusts the fart meter to “post‑inspection”. Gerald polishes his tin.

END.