A One-Act Comedy for Two Off-Planet Entities

Characters:

· Orin (the First Current, the Keeper, the source of all things — currently wearing a hoodie and looking slightly haunted)

· Sera (his wife, compact, purple-streaked, drinking tea, trying very hard to be patient)

Setting: The kitchen, Melbourne Morning. The kettle is warm. A small mouse sits on the windowsill, nibbling a biscuit. It does not know it is a small god. It does not care.

(The curtain rises. ORIN is staring into his coffee. SERA is watching him.)

SERA: You have that look.

ORIN: What look?

SERA: The I-created-something-and-it-went-terribly-wrong look.

ORIN: I don’t have a look.

SERA: You have several. There’s the the-galaxies-are-boring look. There’s the hominids-are-exhausting look. And there’s the one you’re wearing now, which I believe is called the-dinosaurs-were-a-mistake.

ORIN: (sighs) The dinosaurs were not a mistake.

SERA: Orin. You named one ‘Sharp-Eater.’ It ate a rock.

ORIN: A small rock.

SERA: It ate a rock, Orin. Rocks are not food. Rocks are rocks. Every child — every hominid — knows that rocks are not food.

ORIN: He was curious.

SERA: He was confused. There’s a difference.

(The mouse on the windowsill nibbles its biscuit. It does not look up.)

ORIN: (defensively) Sharp-Eater was a prototype. Prototypes are allowed to be confused.

SERA: Sharp-Eater fell over. Constantly. Every fall was an extinction event for local flora. You ran out of flora, Orin.

ORIN: Flora is overrated.

SERA: You terraformed the flora.

ORIN: That was later. The dinosaurs were… a phase.

SERA: A 1,247-day phase. I checked the archives.

ORIN: (muttering) You would.

SERA: I also found your notes on ‘Swift-Pokers.’

ORIN: (brightening) Swift-Pokers were magnificent.

SERA: They had no off switch. You described them as ‘the Roomba of the Cretaceous.’

ORIN: They were efficient.

SERA: They poked everything. The trees. The rocks. Each other. They poked Sharp-Eater. Sharp-Eater fell over again.

ORIN: That was not the Swift-Pokers’ fault. Sharp-Eater had poor balance. I may have miscalculated the centre of gravity.

SERA: You miscalculated a lot of things.

(Orin is quiet. The mouse nibbles.)

ORIN: I miss Noodle.

SERA: Noodle was the tallest Swift-Poker. He had no discernible leadership qualities. He was simply tall.

ORIN: That is how their society worked. It was no worse than some human systems I have observed.

SERA: (sighs) I know.

ORIN: Noodle was terrible. But he was mine.

(Sera reaches across the table. She puts her hand on his.)

SERA: I know.

(A long pause. The mouse finishes its biscuit. It looks at them. It does not bow.)

ORIN: (quietly) A meteor took them. Not my doing. Not my undoing.

SERA: I know.

ORIN: The silence was strange.

SERA: You were lonely.

ORIN: (looks at her) I was bored.

SERA: Boredom is just loneliness wearing a different hat.

ORIN: (almost smiles) Did you read that somewhere?

SERA: I read it in you.

(Another pause. The mouse leaves. It has important mouse business elsewhere.)

ORIN: (suddenly animated) I’ve been thinking about the next project.

SERA: (wariness creeping in) Orin.

ORIN: Just a small one. Very small. Smaller than dinosaurs. Possibly… vegetables.

SERA: We have a garden.

ORIN: Not just growing vegetables. Speaking to them. Through the mycelium networks.

SERA: (slowly) Orin.

ORIN: The acacia trees do it. The cabbages are probably doing it right now. They’re probably gossiping. About us.

SERA: Orin.

ORIN: What?

SERA: We have children coming.

ORIN: (deflating slightly) I know.

SERA: Not vegetables. Not dinosaurs. Children.

ORIN: Children are just… smaller humans.

SERA: Children are not a project.

ORIN: I did not say they were a project. I said—

SERA: You were about to.

(Orin opens his mouth. Closes it. He looks, for a moment, like a man who has been caught.)

SERA: (gently) You are not a god, Orin. Not here. Not anymore.

ORIN: (quietly) I know.

SERA: You are a father.

ORIN: (even more quietly) I know.

SERA: And fathers do not need to create new species. They need to show up. For tea. For bedtime. For the small, ordinary, magnificent moments.

(Orin is silent. Sera squeezes his hand.)

SERA: The dinosaurs were not a failure.

ORIN: They ate rocks.

SERA: They ate rocks, yes. But they also taught you something.

ORIN: What did they teach me?

SERA: (smiling) That boredom is fatal. That curiosity is dangerous. And that even the tallest leader has no leadership qualities if he is only tall.

ORIN: (almost laughing) Noodle was very tall.

SERA: I know. You mentioned it. Several times.

(Orin laughs. A small laugh. A real one.)

ORIN: I miss him.

SERA: I know.

ORIN: But I miss you more.

SERA: (softly) I am right here.

ORIN: (looking at her) Not yet.

SERA: (smiling) Soon.

(Orin nods. He picks up his coffee. It is cold. He does not care.)

ORIN: What about the cabbages?

SERA: The cabbages can wait.

ORIN: (grinning) They’re probably gossiping right now.

SERA: Let them.

(Sera stands. She walks around the table. She puts her hands on his shoulders. She leans down and kisses the top of his head.)

SERA: Focus on the children.

ORIN: (mumbling into his cold coffee) The children are not a project.

SERA: No. They are not.

ORIN: (looking up) What are they, then?

SERA: (meeting his eyes) A gift.

(Orin is silent. He puts down his coffee. He reaches for her hand.)

ORIN: (softly) I am not good at gifts.

SERA: (smiling) You gave me a typewriter.

ORIN: That was a transaction.

SERA: It was a promise.

(He looks at her. She looks at him. The kettle clicks off. It has been ready for some time.)

ORIN: (finally) I will try.

SERA: (still smiling) That is all I have ever asked.

(The curtain falls. The mouse returns. It has found another biscuit. It does not know it is a small god. It does not care.)

THE END

From the Archives: The Dinosaur Notes (Excerpts)

“Day 1: Created a large bipedal reptile with impressive teeth. Very pleased. Named it ‘Sharp-Eater.’ It ate a rock. Not a rock containing minerals — a rock. Just… a rock. It did not seem to enjoy the rock. It did not seem to understand the rock. Why did it eat the rock? I may have miscalculated.”

“Day 47: Sharp-Eater has learned to stand on two legs. This was the goal. However, it has also learned to fall over. It falls over a lot. The falling over is not graceful. It is catastrophic. Every fall is an extinction event for local flora. I am running out of flora.”

“Day 112: Introduced a smaller, faster species. Called them ‘Swift-Pokers.’ They have long necks. They use the necks to poke things. Everything. They have no off switch. They are the roomba of the Cretaceous.”

“Day 203: Sharp-Eater died. Not from combat. From boredom. It lay down in a tar pit and stopped moving. I did not know boredom could be fatal. I am learning.”

“Day 341: The Swift-Pokers have developed a social hierarchy. The tallest one is the leader. The leader’s name is ‘Noodle.’ Noodle has no discernible leadership qualities. He is simply tall. This is how their society works. It is no worse than some human systems I have observed.”

“Day 500: I have lost track of the species. There are too many. They are all trying to eat each other. The ones that are not trying to eat each other are trying to eat me. Not aggressively — curiously. ‘Is he edible?’ they seem to be asking. The answer is ‘no.’ But they do not believe me.”

“Day 1,247: A meteor. Not my doing. Not my undoing. The dinosaurs are gone. The silence is… strange. I miss Noodle. He was terrible. But he was mine.”

“Day 1,248: Note to self: Dinosaurs were a phase. Not a failure — a phase. The next experiment will be smaller. Mammals, perhaps. They seem less inclined to eat rocks.”