By Andrew Klein

Dedicated to the ones who got here via a birth canal—and never forgot it.

I. Introduction: A Royal Circus

The Royal Commission into Antisemitism and Social Cohesion was established in the wake of the Bondi terror attack that left 15 dead and another 40 injured. It was meant to be a serious inquiry into a serious problem. Instead, it has become a stage for what one observer rightly called “well-educated dumb fucks” performing for the cameras.

The hearings have featured an “abundance” of professors, self-styled experts, and institutional representatives—many of whom appear to have been delivered to the world not through the birth canal like the rest of us, but through some other orifice. One might be forgiven for wondering if the ubiquitous cloaca—that ancient multi-purpose exit—has made a triumphant return in the hominid lineage.

II. The Usual Suspects: A Who’s Who of the Performative Class

A. Professor Josh Keller: The Paradox of the Paradox Professor

Professor Josh Keller, representing the Australian Academic Alliance Against Antisemitism (5A), appeared before the commission to offer his expertise. He told the inquiry that critics of the Netanyahu government were not necessarily antisemitic, noting that he “share[s] some of those criticisms”.

So far, so reasonable.

But then he spoke of a sticker on a university campus featuring the Star of David and the phrase “we stand with baby killers“. He called it “not only not true” and “invoking the most immoral act that any human being could possibly do”.

What Keller failed to acknowledge—and what the commission seemed disinclined to probe—is that the sticker is a response to documented atrocities, not a cause of them. The sticker did not emerge from a vacuum. It emerged from a context of mass killing, and to dismiss it as “not true” without engaging with the reality it references is the kind of intellectual cowardice that makes a mockery of the word “professor.”

Keller is a US citizen who became a dual Australian-American citizen in October 2023. He is a tenured academic at UNSW—and he could not defend his own data when pressed. He admitted he had not collected the survey data himself, did not know the size of the cohort, and had not read the full Australian Human Rights Commission report on antisemitism and racism. His survey respondents were volunteers or self-selected, and 5A’s own report did not claim the sample was representative. He had not even written 5A’s February media release.

That is not a professor. That is a man who walked into a Royal Commission and expected a pass.

B. The “Complexity” Dodge

Time and again, witnesses invoked the “complexity” of distinguishing antisemitism from legitimate criticism of Israel. Australian Human Rights Commission president Hugh de Kretser told the commission that delineating between legitimate criticism of Israel and antisemitism could be “complex“.

Complexity is not an excuse for paralysis. It is an invitation to think. But thinking is not what these witnesses are paid for. They are paid to perform. To offer the appearance of expertise while delivering nothing of substance.

Professor David Slucki, director of the Australian Centre for Jewish Civilisation at Monash University, told the commission that antisemitism is a “symptom of broader polarisation in society”. He added that “if we’re only solving for antisemitism, we’re not solving antisemitism”.

This is the kind of statement that sounds profound until you realise it says nothing at all. It is the academic equivalent of a shrug.

C. The Conflation Problem

The hearings have been dominated by established, pro-Israel Jewish organisations, while progressive and non-Zionist voices remain marginal. The same barristers and solicitors—Arnold Bloch Leibler—represent multiple peak bodies, including the Executive Council of Australian Jewry, the Zionist Federation of Australia, and the Australia/Israel & Jewish Affairs Council.

Commissioner Virginia Bell declared herself “satisfied that these organisations represent the majority of Australian Jews“. This characterisation has been contested by Jewish academics and advocates who argue that the Jewish community is “far more politically and ideologically diverse”.

Antony Loewenstein, an independent journalist and advisory committee member of the Jewish Council of Australia, said it was “highly questionable” whether the organisations appearing before the commission reflected the breadth of Jewish opinion in Australia. Professor Linda Briskman noted that her research into Jewish Australians critical of Israeli government policies pointed to a “different picture” from that presented by peak bodies.

The commission is not investigating antisemitism. It is validating a particular political agenda.

III. The Cloaca Returns: An Ancient Metaphor for Modern Failures

The cloaca is a single orifice used for waste elimination, reproduction, and egg-laying. It is the ancestral condition for vertebrates. In July 2026, researchers announced the discovery of the oldest known fossil evidence of a cloaca in the mammalian lineage—a 120-million-year-old specimen that confirmed early mammals had this multi-purpose exit.

The cloaca is efficient. One hole, multiple functions. No wasted space.

The Royal Commission appears to have adopted this ancient design. It is a single orifice through which a particular political agenda is excreted, reproduced, and incubated. The “well-educated dumb fucks” are not witnesses—they are spokesholes. They are the cloaca of the Commission, producing a stream of effluent that the media dutifully reports as “evidence.”

What does a cloaca produce? Waste. And that is precisely what this Commission is producing.

IV. The Pattern: Captured Institutions

The Royal Commission is not an anomaly. It is a symptom of a broader pattern: captured institutions, performing expertise, and a public that is expected to accept the performance as reality.

The universities are captured by the same forces that dominate the Commission. The government is captured by the same lobby groups that dominate the hearings. The media is captured by the same narrative that dominates the coverage.

This is not a conspiracy. It is a system.

The system works like this:

1. A crisis occurs (the Bondi terror attack).

2. A Royal Commission is established (to create the appearance of action).

3. The usual suspects are called (the ones who will say the right things).

4. The media reports the “findings” (without questioning the frame).

5. Nothing changes (because nothing was meant to change).

V. The Cost of the Performance

While the professors perform and the lawyers bill, the people who actually experience antisemitism—and the people who experience Islamophobia, racism, and other forms of hate—are left waiting.

The Royal Commission into Antisemitism and Social Cohesion has become a “proxy conflict” in an ongoing culture war. It is not solving anything. It is not healing anything. It is performing.

Meanwhile, the real problems remain:

· Jewish students and academics report abuse and harassment.

· Palestinian and Muslim students and academics report trauma and discrimination.

· Universities are caught flat-footed, unable to navigate the tensions.

· The government announces new standards and definitions—but standards and definitions do not stop hate.

As Professor Slucki himself noted: “you don’t legislate your way out of social discord“.

VI. Conclusion: A Commission of the Cloaca

The Royal Commission into Antisemitism and Social Cohesion is not a serious inquiry. It is a performance. A stage on which the well-educated dumb fucks can display their credentials while achieving nothing.

They have one thing in common: most of us got here via a birth canal. We are what we are because of life experience. This lot comes across as if the ubiquitous cloaca was now active in hominids. They are chicken shits. They are the cloaca of the Commission.

The real work of combating hate—antisemitism, Islamophobia, racism, and all the other forms of bigotry that plague this country—will not be done by Royal Commissions. It will be done by people. By communities. By those who got here via a birth canal and never forgot it.

Andrew Klein

References

1. Sky News. (2026, July 12). WATCH LIVE: Royal Commission examines rise of antisemitism at Australian universities. 

2. The Nightly. (2026, July 13). ‘Complex’: Experts warn Jewish hate at unis unsolved issue. 

3. Brisbane Times. (2026, July 16). Antisemitism a symptom of increasingly polarised society, commission hears. 

4. ABC News. (2026, May 27). Bondi shooting victim labelled ‘subhuman’ in online abuse of inquiry witnesses. 

5. Asia Pacific Report. (2026, May 10). Australian ‘antisemitism’ – the Royal Conflation Commission is in session. 

6. ABC Religion & Ethics. (2026, January 9). Can the royal commission transcend our culture war?. 

7. SBS News. (2026, May 5). Does the Royal Commission into Antisemitism and Social Cohesion go far enough?. 

8. Sydney Morning Herald. (2025, December 30). Top barrister says a royal commission into antisemitism is premature and risky.