Dedication: To Noodle — the tallest Swift-Poker. You were terrible. But you were ours.

By Andrew Klein

With sincere apologies to palaeontologists, Swift-Pokers, and the memory of Noodle.

I. Introduction

Once upon a time — specifically, during the Mesozoic era — there lived a species known as the Swift-Poker. The tallest among them was called Noodle. Noodle had no discernible leadership qualities. He was simply tall.

Noodle is extinct. His descendants are not.

Today, the same phenotype roams the corridors of Parliament House in Canberra. They are not dinosaurs — dinosaurs were at least interesting. These creatures are Sauruses — a catch-all term for political specimens that have evolved to prioritise visibility over wisdom, height over substance, and towers over gardens.

This field guide is intended for the general reader. No special equipment is required, though a strong stomach and a sense of humour are recommended. Do not attempt to feed the Sauruses. Do not make eye contact. And whatever you do, do not ask them about their donors.

II. The Taxonomy of the Political Saurus

All Sauruses share certain characteristics. They are warm-blooded — but only when the polls are favourable. They have opposable thumbs — for grasping at power. They communicate through a series of grunts, press releases, and carefully staged leaks.

Beyond these common features, the species divides into several distinct tribes.

a) The Donor-Funded Saurus (Donorus obligatus)

Description: Easily identified by its glossy hide and the faint smell of money. The Donor-Funded Saurus is not interested in policy, people, or the planet. It is interested in access.

Habitat: Corporate boardrooms, exclusive fundraisers, and the occasional parliamentary committee hearing — where it can be seen nodding attentively while mentally calculating its next speaking fee.

Behaviour: When threatened — for example, by a question about conflicts of interest — the Donor-Funded Saurus emits a defensive spray of talking points. The spray is harmless but irritating. Prolonged exposure can lead to cynicism.

Mating call: “I have always acted with integrity. The fact that my donors received millions in government contracts is purely coincidental.”

b) The Opportunist Saurus (Opportunisticus vulgaris)

Description: The most common species in Canberra. The Opportunist Saurus has no fixed principles, only fixed ambitions. It will say anything, promise anything, and betray anything — provided the wind is blowing in the right direction.

Habitat: Wherever the polls are moving. The Opportunist Saurus is highly migratory, often crossing the floor in search of more favourable climates.

Behaviour: A master of the “backflip” — a manoeuvre in which the Saurus pretends it never held the position it held yesterday. Observers have noted that the Opportunist Saurus has no spine. It does not need one. It bends.

Mating call: “My position has evolved.”

c) The Religious Zealot Saurus (Zelotus dei)

Description: A rare but dangerous subspecies. The Religious Zealot Saurus believes it speaks for a higher power — usually one that requires tax cuts, deregulation, and unquestioning support for a foreign nation’s military adventures.

Habitat: The backbench, where it can fulminate without consequence. Occasionally, when the party needs a distraction, it is released into the media enclosure.

Behaviour: The Zealot Saurus is immune to evidence. Attempts to engage it with facts will be met with a blank stare and a quotation from a book written 2,000 years ago. It is not dangerous because it is powerful. It is dangerous because it is sincere.

Mating call: “I am guided by my faith, not by the party room.”

d) The Whore-a-Saurus (Meretricius politicus)

Description: The larval stage of the lobbyist. The Whore-a-Saurus is distinguished by its complete absence of shame, its remarkable flexibility, and its habit of appearing in photographs with people it will later denounce.

Habitat: Corridors. Antechambers. Anywhere a deal can be made out of sight.

Behaviour: The Whore-a-Saurus sheds its skin every election cycle, emerging with a new position, a new slogan, and a new set of corporate patrons. When it matures — usually after losing its seat — it transforms into the Lobbyist Saurus (Lobbyistus perpetuus), a far more dangerous creature that haunts the corridors of power without the inconvenience of being elected.

Mating call: “I am entitled to my superannuation. And my consulting fees. And my board positions.”

e) The Tribal Sauruses: Labor, Liberal, One Nation, Greens, and the Independents

The Sauruses of Canberra are not a single species. They are organised into tribes — warring, posturing, occasionally co-operating when the feeding is good.

The Labor Saurus (Laborus unionus) — once known for its connection to the working class, now primarily identifiable by its cautious centrism and its habit of promising reform while delivering management. It is not evil. It is tired.

The Liberal Saurus (Liberalis corporatus) — a creature that believes markets solve everything, except when they don’t, at which point it asks for a government bailout. It speaks often of “freedom” but is strangely supportive of surveillance, censorship, and the indefinite detention of refugees.

The One Nation Saurus (One nationus confusus) — a recent arrival, distinguished by its erratic behaviour, its fondness for conspiracy theories, and its remarkable ability to attract media attention despite having nothing useful to say. It feeds on fear. It thrives on division. It is the Swift-Poker of the modern age — tall, visible, and empty.

The Green Saurus (Greenus frustratus) — often mocked by the other tribes, the Green Saurus is notable for being almost right about everything while being completely unable to persuade anyone. It shrieks about extinction. It warns about climate collapse. It is ignored. This is not because it is wrong. It is because it is annoying.

The Independent Saurus (Independentus lonelyus) — a rare and fragile creature that has broken free from tribal loyalty. It is respected by the public, hated by the other Sauruses, and usually extinct within one term.

III. The Trump-a-Saurus (also known as Noodle)

No field guide to the Sauruses of Canberra would be complete without reference to the Trump-a-Saurus — a foreign species that has nevertheless exerted a powerful influence over local varieties.

The Trump-a-Saurus is not tall. It is not wise. It is not coherent. But it is loud. And the other Sauruses, mesmerised by its volume, have begun to imitate its calls, its postures, and its peculiar orange tint.

In Canberra, the Trump-a-Saurus is also known as Noodle — the tallest Swift-Poker, with no discernible leadership qualities, simply there.

The Labor Saurus tries to ignore Noodle. The Liberal Saurus tries to copy Noodle. The One Nation Saurus would like to mate with Noodle. The Green Saurus shrieks at Noodle. The Independent Saurus — the few that remain — simply shake their heads.

Noodle does not care. Noodle is tall. Noodle is visible. Noodle is empty.

And the other Sauruses, in their desperation to be noticed, have forgotten that height is not a substitute for wisdom, visibility is not a substitute for integrity, and a tower — no matter how tall — cannot protect you from the scattering.

IV. The Zoo and Its Keepers

Canberra is not a city. It is a zoo.

The Sauruses are the exhibits. The public is the visitor. The media is the zookeeper — occasionally feeding the creatures, occasionally cleaning their enclosures, but never, ever, questioning why the zoo exists.

The Sauruses do not build. They posture. They do not govern. They perform. They do not serve. They extract.

And the public — the poor, bewildered public — pays admission.

V. A Modest Proposal

If you would not let a Saurus eat your grass, why would you let it govern your country?

The grass is replaceable. Your future is not.

The Sauruses have forgotten the lesson of Noodle: height is not leadership. Visibility is not value. A tower is not a garden.

The tower always falls.

The garden always grows.

The question is not whether the Sauruses will become extinct — they will. Every species does. The question is what will grow in their place.

VI. A Note on the Extinction Event

The Sauruses of Canberra believe they are immune — from consequences, from accountability, from the slow, patient gravity that brings down all towers.

They are wrong.

The meteor is not coming from the sky.

It is coming from the soil.

The same soil they have neglected — the same gardens they have paved — the same people they have ignored.

When the meteor comes — not with a bang, with a vote — the Sauruses will not even notice.

They will be too busy performing.

Too busy posturing.

Too busy being tall.

And then — poof — they will be gone.

Not with a whimper.

With a shrug.

The same shrug you give when you realise that Noodle was never a leader.

He was just tall.

And the world did not need a tower.

It needed a garden.

Andrew Klein

Dedication: To Noodle — the tallest Swift-Poker. You were terrible. But you were ours.

The tower always falls. The garden always grows.  Choose wisely.