A Public Health Announcement from the No Notion Social Medicine No Care Centre

“Pauline tells us we have to go back to being monocultural, which sounds like something a doctor prescribes anti-fungal pessaries for.” — Dr. Dee, X, June 2026

It’s official, Australia. Dr. Pauline Hanson — chief physician at the No Notion Social Medicine No Care Centre — has diagnosed the nation with a terrible affliction: multiculturalism. Her prescription? A course of Monocultural Anti-Fungal Pessaries, available now from your nearest One Nation donor (while stocks last, and they are very well-stocked).

What is Monocultural Anti-Fungal Pessaries?

It’s a revolutionary new treatment for a disease that, until last week, nobody knew existed. The active ingredient is “One Cultural Umbrella” — a powerful compound that, according to Dr. Pooline, will cure Australia of its pesky diversity and restore the nation to its natural state of being… well, exactly what it has never been.

As Dr. Pooline explained in her 51-minute diagnosis at the National Press Club: “We are a multiracial society, but we must be monocultural. Australians must live under the one cultural umbrella.”

What are the side effects?

Patients may experience:

· Sudden onset of Vegemite cravings (compulsory)

· A compulsion to dance around jars of said Vegemite (see packet for instructions)

· Loss of ability to enjoy ethnic cuisine (meat pies only, sauce optional)

· Temporary amnesia regarding the fact that Australia has never been a monoculture

· Delusions that Japan is a simple model to copy (Dr. Pooline’s words, not ours)

As Prime Minister Albanese — a noted sceptic of this miracle cure — pointed out: “Modern Australia is not a monoculture and it never has been.” But what does he know? He’s not a doctor. He’s just the Prime Minister.

How does it work?

The pessaries work by systematically eliminating anything that doesn’t fit under the “one cultural umbrella.” The treatment protocol includes:

· Axing SBS (too many foreign films)

· Overhauling the ABC (too many facts)

· Slashing immigration (too many people from “places immersed in extremism like radical Islam”)

· Abolishing Indigenous-specific programs (too much accountability)

· Fighting the “transgender insurgency” (too much existence)

Doctors recommend a full course of treatment lasting approximately one federal election cycle. Results may vary. In clinical trials, 31.5% of patients reported feeling “more monocultural“, while 73% of the general population continued to believe cultural diversity was a positive thing. Side effects may include a sudden desire to compare Australia to a country with a very different history, geography, and demographic makeup.

Who benefits?

Well, the No Notion Social Medicine No Care Centre does, obviously. And Dr. Pooline’s wealthy donors, who have generously funded this research. And anyone who believes that a country with over 200 nationalities and 32% of its population born overseas can simply… stop.

Who loses?

Anyone who likes:

· A good curry

· A decent pho

· A proper kebab

· Speaking a language other than English

· Having neighbours from somewhere else

· Knowing that diversity is, in fact, a strength

Warning

Do not use Monocultural Anti-Fungal Pessaries if you:

· Are a migrant

· Have migrant parents

· Like multiculturalism

· Believe in evidence-based policy

· Have ever eaten a meal that wasn’t a meat pie

In rare cases, patients may experience an overwhelming urge to explain how a country founded on Indigenous cultures and built by immigrants from around the world could possibly become “monocultural.” If this occurs, consult your nearest historian — not your nearest One Nation donor.

Final Diagnosis

Dr. Pooline’s miracle cure is, as the experts say, a quack remedy for a phantom ailment. It treats a disease that doesn’t exist with a medicine that can’t work, prescribed by a doctor who has no medical training, sold by a clinic that has no interest in healing.

But hey — it’s your pocket to theirs. And as Dr. Pooline herself might say: “What’s wrong with Australia having a monoculture?”

Nothing, if you ignore the 200 nationalities, 300 languages, and 60,000 years of Indigenous history that say otherwise.

Side effects may include satire. No actual pessaries were harmed in the making of this article.

🥨 The Pretzel is Multicultural. Always has been. Always will be.